Simplify By Listening On Your Feel Great Journey

What does listening more and talking less have to do with simplifying? This is one area I haven't read about when researching simplifying. The whole concept of simplifying is to make space, open up areas of our lives for things we WANT to do, not HAVE to do. So, talking less, thinking about what to say before speaking and listening more opens up space for us to think and act the way we WANT to. Have you ever been someplace where you can just sit and watch and listen to people, like an airport or mall? Have you ever heard someone with a stream of consciousness coming out of their mouth? They just say whatever comes into their heads. Do the people around them listen to them with any seriousness? Do you think that person would be a good parent or teacher or friend?

Okay, I hope the last paragraph with all the questions got you thinking. When I think about the people I respect and that I like to listen to, invariably those people think before they speak. They don't speak often but when they do, I pay attention. And I am usually not disappointed.

This is not easy to change. Our society bombards us with words, in print, on the radio, on television ... everywhere. And we usually notice when someone is listening to us and not just talking when we take a breath. How many conversations have you had where there was silence? Was that uncomfortable? Did you feel like you had to say something to fill that silence?

Let me digress a bit. I originally used a system called Site Build It! to build this website. It is a great system that does most of the work. I can focus on content and let Site Build It! work out the details of website design. A big idea they push in the materials is to build a lot of valuable content for you to read. In general, I think it is a great idea. The more pages I have, the better the chance you will find this site and information that applies to you. However, I struggle with the opposite that I talk about on this page, being concise and direct using the fewest words possible.

Using fewer words and being direct are foreign to many of us. Listening is a lost art. I am still in the process of thinking this through, so this page may change a lot the next few months as I learn more and post my thoughts here on my blog.

If you grew up in the US, you probably studied or read about Lincoln's Gettysburg Address. He gave it on November 19, 1863. Why is it so famous? It is only 246 words long and he gave it in a little more than 2 minutes. Could it be that it was very concise, used as few words as possible and said what needed to be said?

Okay, so we want to start talking less. How do we do that? I am still learning but here is what is helping me. First, I listen to what I say and then evaluate if what I just said helped the other person. Also, I try to figure out why I said it. Did I talk just to fill the silence? Did I feel like I had to fix the other person? If I gave advice, did they ask for it or did I just feel responsible to give it? Did I gossip (another acceptable and detrimental activity)? Could I have said it more concisely if I had stopped to think before speaking?

Here is a great blog article giving some suggestions on how to listen more called 5 Simples Ways To Be A Better Listener. I agree with most of them except for #3. Asking too many questions is controlling and distracting. The questions can cause the conversation to go in a different direction than the speaker intended. Then how many questions is too many? Start by asking NO questions and then work your way up. Soon you will know when you have crossed the line and then you can back off.

All of us have a running conversation going on our heads. I have found that if I spend time calming that conversation with meditation, I can focus better and talk less. The best time for me is in the morning before starting my day. And one thing that helps me meditate is exercise.

Talking less is uncomfortable. People get into a pattern of speaking. Different societies have different rules that most people follow. When someone doesn't follow the rules or changes the expected pattern, there is discomfort. Just expect it. When it happens, don't deflect by talking more. Watch what goes on around you as you talk less and listen and notice more. It's very interesting.

I'll be honest. Listening instead of talking is extremely difficult, at least it is for me. My family system says that you need to talk a lot but not say anything. Here is a story that might help you. I was out walking the dog one day and decided to visit one of the neighbors. I had just reread this page and decided to really focus on listening to her. During the conversation I think I listened pretty well but when I got home I realized the conversation really frustrated me. I think it was because I didn't talk much, I WAS LISTENING, which goes against everything I was taught as a child ... i.e. silence is bad and I need to have a stream of consciousness coming out of my mouth constantly, a very bad thing. But it was quite a victory for me to recognize this.

Talking and listening are ingrained in us from childhood by the family system we grew up in. Think about your family system and what messages and rules were communicated to you, both verbally and nonverbally. It can be very enlightening and help you progress on your Feel Great Journey.